New Commenting Guidelines

A rewrite of the guidelines for posting comments to the blog. As easy as the earlier guidelines were, several commenters found them too hard to follow. So here’s the straightforward version:

• Be nice
• Be constructive
• Or be deleted.

Thanks to those who have commented — some have included links to other resources. Keep reading and posting. I’ll have a new post up myself within a week or two. We had a week-long reunion and then (sadly) a family funeral. New posts coming.

I may have mentioned that future posts will be shorter, and in fact, I plan to go back and chop up several previous posts into shorter articles.

Keep the ideas and resources coming.

Did We Reach Our 2008 Blog Goals? New Goals for 2009

My Blog Plans for 2008 post listed four specific posts I planned to write and two new subject areas for the blog.  A review of the year’s posts shows that all four posts were fulfilled and that we did get into one of the two new areas (children’s safety).

So let’s set new goals for 2009.

• I’ll continue to research and post about children’s safety. Specifically:
• Blog posts on choosing safe child care providers, teaching your child what to do if s/he gets lost, info on appropriate and positive children’s self-defense training, and more.
• Expansion into the specific area of domestic violence. Resources, patterns of male and female relational violence, how to see it before you get into the relationship, what to do the first time it happens, and more.
• Better methods for getting the information in this blog to victims of sexual violence and others who may need it. This will include contacting other websites and government and social agencies.
• Better publicity overall: I also want to reach out to the large number of people who will never consult an agency of any kind. The only way I know to begin to reach that group is to widen publicity efforts.

The priority in this list will be the blog posts first, then the publicity. I believe the best solutions lie in making sure I do both in 2009.

What subjects would you like to see addressed in 2009? Any specific post topics you want to read? Questions you have about a blog-related subject? Comment here anytime. Thanks for your support in 2008.

Profile of a Female Perpetrator

This is another one of the promised articles for calendar year 2008, and it took more research than usual. There’s less data on female sexual offenders than on male offenders, and the data that exists is interpreted in many ways. The information below is culled from a number of sources (see the source list at the end for examples) and represents an overview of generally accepted conclusions about female sexual perpetrators. If we are dedicated to rooting out sexual assault in our society, we must face facts.

The truth about female perpetrators and sexual abuse

The heartbreaking introduction must be this: Twenty to 25 percent of substantiated sexual abuse cases are perpetrated by women. That’s right — one-fifth to one-quarter of all substantiated sexual assaults are committed by female perpetrators. Please understand this number correctly: It’s estimated that females report only about 10 percent of their sexual assaults, but males underreport their sexual attacks even more.

What that means is that if 20 to 25 percent of substantiated cases are committed by female perpetrators, the real percentage is likely somewhat higher due to the fact that males underreport female attacks at an even higher rate than females underreport male attacks.

Current numbers show that about half the victims of female perpetrators are male, half female. In the case of the male victims, we can draw a fairly immediate line from victim to victimizer: About 59 percent of male sex offenders have a background of female sexual abuse.

Tragically, another line is even more direct than that: A male sex offender who has been sexually abused exclusively by a female chooses only female victims on average over 93 percent of the time.

What is a female perpetrator like?

It is widely acknowledged that women sexually attack for different reasons than men, particularly in the case of molesting a child. For example, where a man may use a child for sexual gratification, a woman may use a child sexually as part of her search for intimacy. Female perpetrators are often loners and have trouble forming relationships. Most come from abusive backgrounds.

So far as we have information, female offenders are significantly less likely than male offenders to perpetrate a violent sexual attack such as forcible rape. Their sexual attacks tend to be predicated on “winning” the victim and having a relationship with him or her.

Female sexual perpetrators are far more likely than males to have an opposite-sex partner in crime. Many female sex offenders assault at the behest of a male partner, or at least facilitate and witness his assault. Far fewer female perpetrators act alone than male, and when they do, they typically have a longer, more severe history of abuse than male perpetrators. Far more male perpetrators than female actually don’t have a history of sexual abuse. Studies show that women are extremely unlikely to sexually assault a child where there’s no history of abuse in their own lives.

Female child molesters target boys significantly more often than girls. Female perpetrators of forcible rape or sexual assault against adults, however, tend to select female victims.

There may be truth to the idea that females are less likely to sexually offend than males. This unfortunately tends to feed our unwillingness to see females as abusers, to take their offenses as seriously, to hold them as culpable, and to sentence them as we sentence male offenders. There is no excuse for any blindness that interferes with protecting people from sexual assault (particularly children) and prevents effective justice and treatment for all offenders.

The double standard: How we portray and punish sexual offenders

We think of women as the nurterers and caretakers of society and don’t want to see differently. Over 85% of male victims of female perpetrators are not believed when they tell their story. Media stories of male perpetrators use terms like rape and sexual assault, where stories of female perpetrators often use terms such as had an affair, had sex with, slept with. With a female perpetrator and an underage boy, in particular, people more often assume a kind of caring relationship between the perpetrator and her victim. The boy’s experience might even be regarded as a rite of passage. Male attackers are animals, while female attackers are “troubled.”

This double standard does not go only one way, however. Male sexual assault of females is considered sad, but a fact of life, and people even have sympathy and understanding for male attackers. “He must have had a terrible childhood,” and so on. Female attackers, on the other hand, are considered to be far sicker than male attackers. There can be perceptions such as “He’s just doing what men do; she’s a sociopath.”

Regardless of perceptions and prejudices, today’s laws should at the very least reflect the equal responsibility of women who have committed a sexual assault. They do not. The tragic result is systematic injustice perpetrated via the legal system. Female child molesters, for example, are arrested, charged, and prosecuted at significantly lower rates than male. They are sentenced more lightly. That’s if they reach the legal system at all, which they also do at a lower rate. Most female sexual perpetrators are never even arrested — fewer even than male rapists.

Myths and messages for male sexual assault victims

If the injustice stopped with the legal system, that would be bad enough. But male victims find they’re lucky if they’re not simply laughed at when they tell their story of being sexually assaulted. Social custom still sends false and crushing messages to male victims — messages as antiquated as the lopsided sentencing laws. People’s reactions to male victims — whether the victims are children or adults — can include:

• “You should feel lucky.”
• “A real man would be glad to have sex.”
• “What’s the matter with you? It was just sex.”
• “What did she do — hold you down?”
• “You got attacked by a woman?”
• “I wish she’d come to my house and attack me.”
• “Honey, she’s your babysitter. You probably just misunderstood.”

These are some of the same messages people give to women who are raped, and if there’s anything I’d like today’s post to communicate, it is this: Sexual assault, and the painfully false messages and lack of support that can follow, are equally damaging to female victims and male victims alike.

In today’s culture, men often don’t — and often don’t dare — allow themselves to appear vulnerable. It’s incredibly difficult to even talk about a sexual assault, especially if he has internalized any of these common cultural myths all his life:

• Real men always want sex.
• It’s impossible for a woman to rape a man.
• Women don’t sexually assault people. Women don’t molest children. If they do anything, it’s just play. It’s not really bad or serious.
• It’s OK for an adult woman to “have sex with” a teenage boy, even though it’s not OK for an adult man to “rape” a teenage girl, because boys and men are just sexual animals.
• A real man would be grateful for it.
• Men want it. And if they don’t, something is wrong with them.

We’ve begun challenging these myths when they’re applied to female victims. Now it’s time to stop perpetuating these myths when they’re applied to male victims too.

What about female victims of female perpetrators?

Younger female victims are reluctant to say they’ve been assaulted by a woman because they may question their own sexuality or worry about how they’ll be judged by others when people find out they were attacked by a woman. Like male victims of all ages, female victims of all ages are also much more likely to grow up to assault someone else than someone with no history of abuse or assault.

Resources for male sexual assault victims

As we’ve mentioned in this blog before, resources for male sexual assault victims are fewer than for female sexual assault victims. You would expect this, given the lopsided ratio of female sexual assault victims to male victims overall, but the ratio of resources for men is not even equal to that. Part of the problem is that while women have pressed for, and gotten, research done on their assaults, men’s relative silence has guaranteed that almost no one does research specifically on male victims. This is a heartbreaking oversight that needs to be remedied.

Here’s a bit of the little we do know: If you are the wife, girlfriend, etc., of a man you suspect has been sexually assaulted, be a safe person for him to talk to. If you have children, let him see you being fiercely protective of them — and tell him you’re protective of him too. Open up a space for him (as opposed to badgering him) to talk to you if he chooses. Prepare ahead of time by having resources in hand that he might want to look at. If you sense he’s not open to talking to you about it, give him the materials. Be willing to be wrong about it and look foolish; you’d be shocked at how many men carry this secret. Eventually he may take action. Support his absences while he goes to meetings or counseling, and be willing to go to counseling with him if he wants you to. Above all, never, never shame him or blame him for any part of what happened.

Where is a child least safe?

It’s worth noting that despite the news stories in recent years, schools are still one of the safest places for children. Sexual abuse by teachers comprises less than 10 percent of all sexual assaults on children. The least safe place for a child is in the family. The vast majority of assaults are committed by family members. Incest stories tend to not make the news as often or as memorably, because they’re so much more common than teacher sexual abuse.

Wrap-up

Did anyone else notice the obvious conclusion to this research? The biggest single step we can take to help get rid of sexual assault in our society is to stop assaulting and abusing people today, especially children, who are tomorrow’s attackers if we assault them instead of protecting them. To stop a sick pattern — stop it!

Resource list for this post

• The Men’s Project / Le Projet Pour Hommes: The Men’s Project has grown to become one of Canada’s leading counselling and educational agencies for men and their families, and in particular for all male survivors of sexual abuse committed by males and females. The Men’s Project  has witnessed incredible expansion of their funded services, their fee-for-service programs, and their training and consultation services. Their mandate is  “helping men and their families build better lives.”
• Practical Aspects of Rape Investigation, Fourth Edition, by Janet Warren and Julia Hislop. These two, one a psychiatrist and the other a psychologist, studied female sex offenders and developed a typology. They found six types of female sexual offenders.
• “Female Sexual Abusers: A Theory of Loss,” by Hollida Wakefield, Martha Rogers, and Ralph Underwager, an important summary of several studies with extremely valuable nuggets of information in statements throughout the summary.
• “Female Sex Offenders,” a 2007 U.S. Department of Justice brief.
• “Female Adolescent Sex Offenders,” a fact sheet put out by the National Center on Sexual Behavior of Youth.
• Female Sexual Abuse of Children, by Michele Elliott, an older book but still extremely helpful for an introduction to the subject.
• “A Critique of the Female Sexual Perpetrator,” research by J. Johansson-Love in Aggression and Violent Behavior.
• “Female sexual abuse of boys often goes unreported,” an article by Joyce Frieden in Clinical Psychiatry News.
• Female Offenders: Critical Perspective and Effective Interventions, by Ruth T. Zaplin.
• A Comprehensive Study of Female Offenders, by Martin Guevara, Ph.D. Urbina.

Profile of a Male Perpetrator

Four major types of rapists are consistently identified by law enforcement experts, profilers, and psychologists. The vast majority of research has been done on male perpetrators, and this information reflects studies of men. The four rapist types are:

1. Anger-excitation rapist
2. Anger-retaliation rapist
3. Power-assertive rapist
4. Power-reassurance rapist

When people say, “Rape isn’t about sex, it’s about power,” they’re especially correct about the power-assertive rapist. This person is looking for the power trip. He feels entitled to a woman’s body if he wants it.

That attitude isn’t isolated. You’ll see that sense of entitlement in many areas of his life. This makes it a good warning sign if you’re considering dating someone. He may not be a rapist — most men aren’t rapists — but either way, he won’t be someone you want to date. His sense of entitlement won’t go away, and you can’t make it go away. Don’t waste your time and energy, and risk your own safety, trying to fix him.

About 44 percent of reported rapes are committed by this type. He may be violent and aggressive, slapping the woman around during the attack, but he probably isn’t trying to kill her. That’s not what gives this type of rapist his power rush.

The anger-retaliatory rapist lives exactly up to his name: He’s mad at someone female, so he’s going to find a female victim and retaliate. Perhaps 30 percent of reported rapes fall into this category. This is the rapist who’s going to want to degrade his victim. His physical attack on a woman will be punitive and humiliating, and if she resists, he’ll likely feel provoked and violently angry.

The type of rapist you often see in TV programs is the anger-excitation rapist–the true sadist who becomes excited through torturing his victim. Her pain turns him on. Although this type is popular among TV writers, in reality it accounts for only about 5 percent of reported rapes. He is the most likely of all types to kill a woman he has raped.

Finally, the power-reassurance rapist is another popular TV staple, though only about 21 percent of reported rapes are committed by this type of rapist. Without the skills to develop a romantic relationship with a real person, he substitutes a fake relationship for the real one by raping someone. This may involve romantic declarations and even his idea of foreplay.

Since he prefers to believe his victim is interested in him sexually–he may even view her as his date or his girlfriend–he wants to keep the violence to a minimum. He may threaten a woman with a weapon, and with a minimum of physical force gain control, but he may not even have a weapon. This type of rapist is most likely of all the types to be dissuaded by crying, begging, or talking to him.

Male gang rapes are considered a different type. Men who wouldn’t necessarily rape a woman on their own are more likely to do so in a group that rapes.

Keep in mind that any and all of these rapists can be people you know. You can be date raped, acquaintance raped, stranger raped, maritally raped, by any of these types of rapists.

• There is no universal rule about whether to fight back or not. One of the tools you have in making this decision mid-attack is your gut instinct. You are the only one who’s looking into this rapist’s eyes. Don’t mistake your fear as a message from your gut that you shouldn’t fight back–you’d feel terrified during any attack. Do listen to your gut telling you whether this guy is willing to go all the way and kill you, or not.

• The best time to deal with a pending attack is right at step 1, by trying to prevent it. This won’t always succeed, but far better to avoid the whole thing if it’s at all possible. Run into a crowd of people in a public place. Run out of the house into the street. Speak assertively and let him know you’re not a victim. Speak soothingly and tactfully and try to reason with him until you can get safe. Whatever you can think of to get out of the situation.

• Most importantly, you are responsible for yourself, so learn how to defend yourself. For people to simply stand and watch as you are raped would be execrable. For you to refuse to learn how to take care of yourself–well, if you don’t want to fight the guy who’s attacking you, why do you expect others to do it? They’re as scared as you are!

If it truly is your body and you own it, then take responsibility for it and learn to protect it. You won’t be able to prevent all violence; most men are physically stronger than women. But to do nothing for yourself, yet expect others to do it for you, is really not OK. Learn to defend yourself. Gut instinct will only take you so far. Then his knife, or his gun, or his muscles, will do what he wants, and your gut can’t do anything about that. Some women trust their naivete and their incompetence to protect them. Others trust their men to protect them. The world is much bigger than that.

Martial arts have generally not been helpful to women in real-life fighting situations, so look for programs specifically targeted to women in real life. Self-defense programs created by men are  helpful in providing women with insights into male behavior — very valuable. Be sure they’re balanced in providing verbal strategies as well as physical fighting skills. Programs created by women are helpful in that the physical fighting strategies capitalize on the strengths of the female body specifically. Be sure they’re balanced in providing these effective physical strategies, not just emotional support and self-esteem training. Good self-esteem won’t save you from being raped. The bottom line is that to be effective in protecting yourself, you must have both the verbal skills and insight, and effective fighting skills.

Sources and resources:

• “Profile of a Rapist” from No Nonsense Self-Defense, a terrific blog about all aspects of violence, including rape.
• “Profile of a Rapist” from Paralumun.
• The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker. Chapter 1, “In the Presence of Danger,” and chapters 7-11 (”Promises to Kill;” “Persistence, Persistence;” “Occupational Hazards;” “Intimate Enemies;” “I Was Trying to Let Him Down Easy”).
• Impact Personal Safety (also previously called BAMM).
• Understanding Sexual Violence: A Study of Convicted Rapists, by Diana Scully. An outstanding study of men convicted and imprisoned for rape. Insights that can keep you safe.
• The Power Serial Rapist: A Criminology-Victimology Typology of Female Victim Selection, by Dawn J. Graney and Bruce A. Arrigo.

Profile of a Child Molester

This post is one of several promised subjects for posting during 2008. Most of this information is taken from interviews and writings by molesters themselves (from interviews others have done), and some is taken from research on child sexual predators.

Myths and Facts About Child Molesters

• Myth: Anyone who would molest a child is seedy-looking or looks suspicious. I’d know them by looking at them.
• Fact: Handsome, rich men molest children. Beautiful, talented women molest children. Ordinary people you laugh with every day molest children. You simply cannot tell a child sexual predator by looking. (But do pay attention to your instincts, which see deeper than a person’s surface appearance.)
• Myth: Child molesters are unsociable and isolated. If I knew any, I’m sure I naturally wouldn’t like them.
• Fact: Most child molesters are known and liked by others. Plus, they cultivate certain relationships in order to gain access to children, and many are genial and personable individuals with whom others enjoy socializing.
• Myth: Married men don’t molest children–they have their wives. Besides, a married man would only molest a child if he wasn’t getting sex from his wife.
• Fact: Marital status doesn’t correlate to whether a person is a sexual predator or not. KEY FACT: A man deprived of sex does not morph into a child sexual predator. Molesting children is about preferring the power position and avoiding vulnerability. The taste for sex with children is separate from a normal human adult sex drive oriented to adults.
• Myth: He’s a pastor (or teacher, or elder, or highly respected businessman–fill in the blank with anyone)–he would never do that.
• Fact: Child molesters can be anyone–anyone at all. We must not hesitate to blow the whistle on a child molester regardless of position, fame, or wealth. Our children are worth more than that.
• Myth: He has a Ph.D., she’s president of the company–too smart to be doing something that depraved.
• Fact: Molesting children is not a function of low income or intelligence. Geniuses can be child molesters; millionaires can be child molesters.
• Myth: A real child molester would never talk about the subject.
• Fact: A child molester may say contemptuous things like “Child molesters are the sickest people on the planet” or “Child molesters deserve the death penalty.” The rest of us might say things like that too, so this isn’t an indicator by itself–just a warning that predators know the right line to take.
• Myth: He hugs and cuddles my child in healthy ways right in front of me, and my child doesn’t resist or fuss. So obviously nothing’s happening.
• Fact: Molesters themselves say that they deliberately do this so that your child, the victim, thinks you approve of the way the molester touches them. A child assumes his parents know what’s going on, so when the molester hugs him in front of you and you’re fine with that, the child thinks you’re OK with what happens in private too.

If I Can’t Tell Who They Are, What Can I Do?

Fortunately, many things.

• Listen to your instincts. If you feel a deep disquiet or unease around someone, simply don’t let that person have access to your child–especially not alone time.
• Don’t put your faith in the presence of a group. A child molester can and will single out a child while on group trips such as camping, Scout outings, etc. Child sexual predators go on trips like this because they know they can get alone time with their victim.
• Make sure your child gets plenty of healthy attention, love, and physical affection at home. This prevents your child from having the vulnerability that predators look for in potential victims. A healthy, well-loved child with good self-esteem is less likely to be targeted. In a sense, molesters are looking for victims who are already victims.
• Make yourself a safe person for your child to talk to. If he does something wrong, don’t take out your frustration on him or blame him. I have a 1-year-old and a 4-year-old, and my natural reaction is, “Haven’t I TOLD YOU A MILLION TIMES not to do that?” or “Why on EARTH would you do a thing like that?” or “Honey, why didn’t you just ASK ME FOR HELP!” It feels good to let the steam blow out my ears, but then my kids clam up and stop trusting me. This is because they’re not stupid children. Instead, try “Okay, that wasn’t good, was it? Why was it not good? What’s your plan for the future?” Say this patiently and supportively, not in anger.
• Impose appropriate consequences without anger. This can’t be overemphasized. If you get angry whenever your child fails or misbehaves, or you get upset a lot in general, be certain she will learn never to tell you anything. And a child without a parent he trusts is a victim waiting to be victimized. Molesters know this. They watch for this type of relationship between a parent and a child so they can exploit it and gain the victim’s trust with patience and kindness.
• Teach your child early that no one has the right to touch her private parts and that she can say a strong “NO” and you will back her up completely. She can fight or run away or tattle and you will stand by her 100 percent. Molesters make threats about what parents will or won’t do to a child if he tells, so you have to have that trust with your child.
• Consider sending your child to an upbeat, positive, effective program like Impact Personal Safety (see Resources below).
• Don’t consistently let any one adult go on isolated alone activities with your child.
• Study adults, particularly men (sorry, gentlemen–it’s statistics and the “can’t tell by looking” thing again, so you get extra eyeballing even if you’re a genuinely good guy), who work with children and still want to spend more time with them outside of work. They may take children on special outings outside of work, for example. Also study those who seem way more plugged into youth culture than into age-appropriate adult culture. Whether or not a person twangs your intuition, observe the person closely and don’t let him have your child alone until you’re satisfied he’s completely safe. Talk to others about him. Find out all you can.
• If your child spends a lot of individual time with someone, ask your child carefully phrased questions about whether the child has been exposed to any sexual material of any kind. Kids are curious. If it’s presented to them, they’ll probably watch and listen.
• If you suspect your spouse may be molesting your child, watch closely. Do you feel like somehow, subtly, you’re being cast as the bad guy to your child, while your spouse is the good guy? Abusers gradually block communication between their child and the other parent, and damage the trust in that relationship.
• If you’re a parent married to a stepparent, be aware that all the statistics show a significantly higher incidence of child sexual abuse among stepparents than among birth parents. Molesters target a child or children, then marry the mother in order to gain access to the children. The biggest way you can prevent this, if there’s any possibility of it happening (and you have to tell yourself frankly to look for it even if you don’t think it’s ever going to happen in your house), is to keep the lines of trust and communication open between yourself and your children. You may be thrilled with your new spouse’s interest in your children–but watch for signs that he’s giving them treats and rewards while subtly coming between you and them. Is he subtly teaching them that you’re not trustworthy and he is? Is he gaining their trust while undercutting you or your relationship with your children? While you want to back up your new spouse, you also want your children to know you’re still with them in spirit and that you trust them and support them. You can support your spouse while still letting your kids know that you believe what they say on a day-to-day basis.

How Do Child Molesters Control Victims and Keep Them From Telling?

Glad you asked. Keep in mind that these answers come from molesters themselves.

• I’ll do anything to get to your child and to keep your child once I’ve victimized her.  I’ll do anything and say anything to keep assaulting your child and to keep your child from telling. I really don’t care if it’s harming your child–I just care about pursuing sexual gratification.
• I threaten your child with the loss of his family. I tell him he’ll be taken away from his family if he tells, or that his parents will be taken away.
• I threaten your child with violence to her or to her family.
• I manipulate your child into thinking it’s his fault. Or I make him think he’s at least partly responsible and that if anybody gets punished, it will be him.
• I tell your child this is normal parental behavior.
• I win your child’s love and trust with treats, attention, and “love.” If she’s not getting love and attention from you, she’ll get it from me. [Note: This includes children with a full-time stay-at-home parent. If they're not getting love and attention from Dad--or Mom, as the case may be--they'll be looking for it.]

So How Can I Tell If My Child is Being Molested?

• He becomes extremely modest and protective of showing his body. Or he goes the other direction and sexually acts out.
• She has genital pain, itching, discharge, bleeding, stomachaches, headaches, or other physical complaints. Stomachaches and headaches that stem from sexual assault are very real physical pain.
• He starts sleeping poorly, starts wetting his bed, has new fears, refuses to go to places he’s been before or be with certain people, starts having school problems or difficulties with peers, cries excessively, is depressed, gets clingy or aggressive, or becomes secretive.
• She may try different methods of escapism, such as running away, drugs or alcohol, daydreaming, or isolating herself.
• Be aware that some children being molested may not show any of these symptoms. Some child molesters groom their victims so successfully that the children love their abusers and even try to protect them.

Resources

• The Center for Behavioral Intervention in Oregon has put out a terrific brochure called “Protecting Your Children: Advice From Child Molesters.” To get a copy, call 503.644.2772. The organization doesn’t seem to have a website right now.
• Impact Personal Safety is a top personal safety organization nationwide. They have practical, real-world self-defense classes for adult women and men, teenagers, and children. Classes and school programs are available. For a history of the organization, see the Impact site, or read here.
• National Hotline: 1-888-656-4673

Marital Rape

Marital or spousal rape is rape committed by one spouse against the other. This type of rape has historically been controversial because of the assumption that marriage takes away either spouse’s right to refuse to have sex.

As you read the following paragraphs, you may think to yourself, “Where did this information come from? What’s the source?” There are so many sources on this subject that I’ve chosen to list a number of them at the end of this post rather than insert them within the text.

The “ownership” view that rape couldn’t exist within marriage was upheld in British and American common law for a long time, based on legal opinions such as this: “But the husband cannot be guilty of a rape committed by himself upon his lawful wife, for by their mutual matrimonial consent and contract the wife hath given up herself in this kind unto her husband which she cannot retract” (Sir Matthew Hale’s History of the Pleas of the Crown, 1736).

Additionally, even atheists will point to the Bible as an example of “common sense”: “The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Corinthians 7:4-5, NIV).

Conveniently, these individuals skip the very next verse, verse 6: “I say this as a concession, not as a command.” They also skip over the numerous passages throughout the Bible regarding the mutual love, respect, understanding, and gentleness that are actually supposed to characterize marriage.

Even today, when laws against marital rape exist in all 50 states–historically a very recent development–the cultural assumption of sexual “ownership” presents a massive barrier to better laws and enforcement, and to providing support and care for victims of marital rape. The instinctive assumption is that when two people get married, the wife no longer has a right to say “no” or to own and control her body.

Here are key facts about marital rape law and the realities of marital rape.

• Until 1976, rape laws in all 50 states contained a Marital Rape Exemption specifically to prevent husbands who raped their wives from being charged with a crime.
• As of 1996, only 17 states and the District of Columbia had abolished this exemption completely.
• While all 50 U.S. states have laws against marital rape, 33 of the states consider marital rape a lesser crime than other types of rape–typically they charge the attacker with spousal abuse or battery instead of rape.
• Studies show that marital rape is the most common type of rape. Ten to 14 percent of all completed rapes are committed by husbands or ex-husbands, and in keeping with rape reporting statistics nationwide, experts believe this is an underestimation of the actual incidence of marital rape.
• Marital rape involves extreme trauma. Many people consider marital rape less traumatic than other types of rape, but studies show the opposite is true (see this example of information, and there’s plenty more with a simple Internet search or your local library). Being raped by a spouse is a betrayal of one’s trust, one’s humanity, and of the relationship. This is a whole other level of trauma not found in stranger rape or even date rape–our trust in a stranger or a date is far less to begin with, and our personal investment in them minimum to none.
• Victims of marital rape have very little of the support that other rape victims can access. Many people around the victim may not believe it was rape at all. Victims of marital rape, far more than victims of other types of rape, find themselves having to cope in nearly total isolation.
• It wasn’t until 1993 that marital rape nationally became a crime in the United States. For many years the U.S. legal system allowed a loophole in the marital rape law having to do with whether the spouses were actually living together at the time of the rape. If they were, the perpetrator got off. Additionally, when it’s already so difficult to secure a rape conviction for any type of rape, proving rape within a marriage based on evidence is just about impossible.
• One of the most common myths about marital rape is that it happens when the wife withholds sex from her husband. What research and evidence currently exists demonstrates decisively that the wife’s withholding sex is not the cause of, and doesn’t lead to, marital rape. Interviews with attackers and other evidence have all pointed to marital rape as a demonstration of control and power or an outlet for the attacker’s rageaholism.

Helpful sources of information include:

• Wikipedia
• SHARPP (Sexual Harassment and Rape Prevention Program)–an outstanding resource containing not only information, but a superb list of resources at the end, including resources for perpetrators and emergency hotlines for victims
• National Center for Victims of Crime (NCVC), Spousal Rape page
• About.com, topic of Marriage, page on Marital Rape
• A Safe Place (a resource center in Lake County, Illinois)
  
• VAW.net (Violence Against Women)
• State Law Chart, provided by the National Clearinghouse on Marital and Date Rape, 2005
• Legalmatch.com
• The Power of the Vote–Marital Rape
• Hidden Hurt: Domestic Abuse Information

If you’re a victim of marital rape, you can access the same social services resources as all other rape victims. (See this earlier post on what to do if you’re raped. Also check the blogroll on this blog for RAINN, AARDVARC, and other resources for domestic violence and sexual assault.) Be aware that individual members of law enforcement may still harbor prejudice about marital rape and may even encourage you not to report or not to get evidence collected at the hospital. Please don’t let this stop you. Someone has committed a rape against you, and that’s a crime–you have every right to protect yourself, gather evidence, and get help.

If you’ve forced sex on your spouse, whether by verbal pressure or threats, brandishing a weapon, or physical violence–get help now! Don’t do it even one more time. Contact any rape support group or resource, and they’ll willingly point you to the help you need. Or contact SHARPP in the list above and check the resource list at the end.

:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::

Blog Update

“For the Record” is not lost and forgotten. I’ve been busy upgrading with better tagging, social bookmarking, a categorized blogroll, and other bells and whistles. Any additional ideas or suggestions, let me know.

And now back to our regularly scheduled blog (about every two weeks).

Getting safe and getting help: Stalking

Stalking Isn’t Like Other Crimes

See this previous post on stalking, with a definition and basic info about stalking. Today’s post will provide you with a safety plan and tell you what to do in a stalking emergency.

Stalking is a major issue for both sexes. Unlike rape, where the victim ratio is heavily skewed toward female victims, stalking happens to over a million women each year–and also to almost 371,000 men, over a third. Eighty-seven percent of stalkers are male, which means women comprise 13% of stalkers, a far higher rate than for any of the other crimes we’ve provided information for so far.

Interestingly, out of the 28% of female stalking victims and 10% of male stalking victims who obtained a protective order, 69% of the female victims and 81% of the male victims had the order violated. For whatever reason, protective orders against stalkers are more effective for female victims than for male victims. (This is not true, however, of protective orders against stalkers who have committed domestic violence.) This information is worth noting if you’re facing a stalking situation.

The good news: Stalking is against the law in all 50 states. Whether it’s unwanted phone calls, letters, vandalism, threats, being followed, or other stalking actions, you have legal recourse. For information about specific laws in your state, visit “Stalking laws state by state.” For more information that’s well organized and easy to follow, visit Washington State University’s Stalking Resource Center page (looks like it’s sponsored by their Sexual Misconduct Prevention & Response Taskforce).

Stalking Safety Plan: Immediate Danger

If you’re in immediate danger from your stalker, your first priority is to find a safe place. Family and friends can help you get out of a dangerous situation. Be very careful. Don’t pick tactless or argumentative people to help you–pick people who can focus on effectively helping you get out of danger.

• Home of family/friend, a place your stalker doesn’t know;
• Police station;
• Domestic violence shelter;
• Church;
• Public area.

Your next priority is to contact the police. Call 911. If the police don’t respond, ask for a supervisor, or ask someone to contact police for you. Identify yourself, report the incident and request confidentiality. If you’ve previously obtained a protective order, tell the police so that the current incident will be linked to the order and the stalker can be penalized for violating the order. You might also decide to contact other social support services in your community as needed, such as a therapist or victim assistance program.

Here’s what the Stalking Resource Center (SRC, part of the National Center for Victims of Crime) suggests as an emergency safety plan*:

While a victim may not be in imminent danger, the potential always exists; therefore, a contingency plan (a sort of “fire escape plan”) may be appropriate. Suggested considerations include:

• Knowledge of, and quick access to, critical telephone numbers, including:
  
  • Law enforcement numbers and locations;
    
  • Safe places (such as friends, domestic violence shelters, etc.); and
  • Contact numbers for use after safety is secured (such as neighbors/family, attorneys, prosecutors, medical care, child care, pet care, etc.).
• Accessible reserve of necessities, including:
  • Victims may wish to keep a small packed suitcase in the trunk of their car, or at another readily accessible location, for quick departure;
  • Reserve money may be necessary;
  • Other necessities — such as creditors’ numbers and personal welfare items such as medication, birth certificates, social security information, passports, etc. — should be readily available;
  • Miscellaneous items — like always keeping as full a tank of gas as possible in the car, backup keys for neighbors, etc. — are practical; and
  • If a victim has a child(ren), she/he may want to pack a few toys, books, or other special items belonging to the child.
    
• Alert critical people to the situation who may be useful in formulating a contingency plan, such as:
  • Law enforcement;
  • Employers;
  • Family, friends, or neighbors; and
  • Security personnel.
    

Stalking Safety Plan: Not in Immediate Danger

1. Apply for a protection order. These are given at the discretion of the courts–they’re not guaranteed. They may cost money. Contact your local court clerk to find out where and how to apply. While you may need an order to help your case–it’s just a piece of paper, not an armor, and it only takes effect when it’s violated. Continue taking steps to keep yourself safe as suggested below and in other resources listed here.

2. Research and find out your local stalking laws. State laws can be found here, and you may want to Google your local city and county as well. What precisely is defined as stalking? What’s the penalty? What do you need to do to support the legal process in dealing with your stalker? Contact your local prosecutor to find out more, and search “stalking+[your city]” on the Internet.

3. Document your stalker. Take pictures of the stalker stalking you and of any physical damage he/she does to you or your property. Keep a written log of times when you see the stalker–where, when, what circumstances. Keep this file in a secure place. This will support your case against the stalker, and as such, it may become evidence in court.

Steps to Keeping Yourself Safe

The SRC suggests these safety guidelines if you’re being stalked.* Ask police for other suggestions when you report. It may not be practical to, for example, hire a personal bodyguard, but utilize all the safety steps you can.

Preventive Measures.

• Install solid core doors with dead bolts. If victim cannot account for all keys, change locks and secure spare keys.
• If possible, install adequate outside lighting. Trim back bushes and vegetation around residence.
• Maintain an unlisted phone number. If harassing calls persist, notify local law enforcement, but also keep a written log of harassing calls and any answering machine tapes of calls with the stalker’s voice and messages.
• Treat any threats as legitimate and inform law enforcement immediately.
• Vary travel routes, stores and restaurants, etc., which are regularly used. Limit time walking, jogging, etc.
• Inform a trusted neighbor and/or colleagues about the situation. Provide them with a photo or description of the suspect and any possible vehicles he/she may drive.
• If residing in an apartment with an on-site property manager, provide the manager with a picture of the suspect.
• Have co-workers screen all calls and visitors.
• When out of the house or work environment, try not to travel alone if at all possible, and try to stay in public areas. If you ever need assistance, yell “FIRE” to get immediate attention, as people more readily respond to this cry for assistance than to any other.
• If financial means exist, use a “dummy” answering machine connected to a published phone line. The number to a private unlisted line can be reserved for close friends and family, then the stalker may not realize you have another line.

If someone is stalking you, you need the Stalking Handbook. It’s a terrific booklet full of solid information, not speeches, and it’ll help you stay safe.

Other helpful resources and web pages I found while putting together this entry:

• SRC victim assistance: 800-FYI-CALL, M-F from 8:30 am-8:30 pm Eastern Standard Time; or email gethelp@ncvc.org.
• Stalking Q&A
• Stalking Incident and Behavior Log
• Cyberstalking (a growing trend)
• Stalking Fact Sheet from Washington State University
• SRC article: Using Technology to Stalk
• Article on proposed “Jodi’s Law”
• SRC stalking quiz

*All rights reserved. Copyright © 1997 by the National Center for Victims of Crime. This information may be freely distributed, provided that it is distributed free of charge, in its entirety and includes this copyright notice.

:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::

Washington State’s Confidentiality Program

NEW RESOURCE FOR WASHINGTON STATE…

Through a new TV commercial I just became aware of a Washington State service called the Address Confidentiality Program (ACP). If you’re fleeing from domestic abuse, stalking, or a sexual assault, you may be able to access this program to keep your new address and contact information strictly confidential.

There are certain requirements you have to meet–the Confidentiality Program has to be only one strategy in a whole group of strategies to keep you safe. Essentially, they don’t want you to use this program as your only safety strategy while ignoring the other safety guidelines given to you by police and other agencies. They want you to be really serious about staying safe.

To access the Washington program, call 1.800.822.1065 or visit the Confidentiality Program web page. While you’re there, click on the More Services for Crime Victims link for more Washington resources.

…AND FOR 31 OTHER STATES TOO

The better news is that there are ACP programs in 31 states. View a PDF document with program addresses and phone numbers here. You may also want to do an Internet search, because most of these programs also have a web page somewhere with more information. Why the URL isn’t listed along with address and phone number, I don’t know.

:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::

COMMENTING GUIDELINES

Due to the sensitive and sometimes controversial topics on this blog, we all benefit from making extra effort at courtesy and inclusiveness. The bedrock principle is respect in debate and the inevitable plurality of viewpoints. Major problems, such as sexual violence, are rarely solved by a single individual. Specifically:

1. Name-calling and personal attacks will not be posted. For example: “I think your idea is incorrect, and here’s why” will be posted. “You’re a moron and so is your idea” won’t.

2. Frustration is acceptable. Threats, disrespect, and contempt aren’t.

3. “You @#%^#$” and “Your %$& idea is *$!@ retarded” won’t be posted.

4. Commenters who post provoking and argumentative comments for the sake of argument, rather than to add value to discussions through information and informed perspective, will see their posts removed as the pattern becomes evident. Posts that persistently blame, attack, and disrespect others will also be removed.

5. Keep in mind the goals of this blog, and your posts will endure for the ages (or until the next big thing trumps the Internet).

• To provide resources to victims of sexual violence;
• To teach people ways to avoid being victims of sexual violence as far as it’s within our own power;
• To understand the realities and vulnerabilities of lives very different than our own; and especially
• To bring people together in sincere debate and constructive ideas for ending sexual violence.

Thanks for visiting and commenting.

Street Harassment on Public Transport: India, Brazil, Japan, and even Mexico Top the U.S.

Read “Mexico City Introduces Women-Only Buses to Deter Groping.” I don’t know what it’s like in your country, but here in the U.S. it seems that taking real steps against street harassment is faintly gauche. There’s a subtle attitude that “hey, the occasional jerk is unfortunate, but nice women toughen up and put up with it.” There’s a subtle implication that a woman who speaks up is oversensitive or immature, and that classy, strong women just stride through the barrage of harassment and ignore it. There’s so much wrong with that line of thinking that it’s hard to know where to start.

I’d love to see optional separate public transportation here in the U.S. A comment I hear from women who commute on public transportation is that “the best you can hope for is to be ignored because the men won’t call each other on that kind of stuff.” In this reality, separate transportation is a superior alternative.

Someone on another blog referenced a street harassment movie about 90 minutes long called “War Zone,” by Maggie Hadleigh West. Here’s the intro on YouTube. (The article that originally referenced this movie is here and also in the blogroll.) Here’s the intro on MySpaceTV Videos.

I found it extremely uncomfortable to watch this movie even though it’s mostly just people talking to each other, and even though I’m a woman myself. We have such an enculturated resistance to the idea of women verbally confronting men over street harassment that even I as a woman have a hard time watching it being done (although it’s empowering–I can’t remember ever seeing it done in real life). So I can imagine how uncomfortable a man might feel while viewing this film. Male or female, I admire you if you watch it. It just is not easy to watch.

According to articles, the film has generated heat, debate, and attention wherever it is shown. This is the type of movie in which it doesn’t matter how exactly the footage captures reality–some people are going to dismiss it out of hand. That, too, is reality.

Given that reality, what can both sexes do to combat street harassment? It includes staring, leering, the elevator stare (a leisurely stare up and down a woman’s body), groping, deliberately brushing or bumping a woman, cursing, whistling, propositioning, rating a woman’s body (”Hey baby, you’re gorgeous”) as if she’s public property to judge, etc.

What can we do about this? What ideas do you have as readers? What experiences have you had with street harassment–whether you’ve done it yourself or had it done to you? Share the wealth of your experience here.

Because of the sensitive nature of this blog’s subject matter, and of this specific posting itself, please read the Posting Guidelines before you comment. Thanks for visiting.

:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::

Blog Plans for 2008

Coming Posts:

• “Getting safe and getting help: Stalking” [the second in a series of two "get safe" posts--the first one was "Getting safe and getting help: Sexual Assault" posted on 12/7/07]
• “Profile of a Male Perpetrator”
• “Profile of a Female Perpetrator”
• “Profile of a Child Molester”

Write in with ideas of other related topics you’d like to see covered in this blog. In 2008, I’ll probably start filling out the domestic violence end of this subject area–like rape, something anyone of either sex can experience. We’ll talk more about that.

I also plan to do more to research and provide resources on protecting children from predators. The first post title in this subject area is listed above and should be up as soon as I finish a reasonable amount of research on the topic and on resources. I also added a new category, “For Parents,” to accommodate this subject area.

What else do you want to see here in 2008?